A while back, I came across a weird and disturbing news item. At a Paris airport, French police arrested a man who was trying to smuggle through a snake hidden in his underpants.
According to an airport spokeswoman, “the 30-year-old Frenchman, who was trying to smuggle the 16-inch boa into Roissy airport from Colombia, was caught after a sniffer dog latched on to the reptile’s scent through the man’s bulging trousers.”
I don’t know much about the criminal mind. But I do know this: here’s une monsieur who really didn’t think through his plan.
First of all, he put a snake in his pants. That’s always a bad idea.
Second, it was a boa constrictor. A CONSTRICTOR! And you thought your underwear was binding. Try putting in a boa.
Still, he might have gotten away with it if it had not been for that pesky hound. Let’s re-read the above: “… After a sniffer dog latched on to the reptile’s scent.”
That was cette misérable’s final mistake. Never smuggle anything in your pants in situations where crotch-sniffing border dogs can latch onto anything. That’s probably Chapter One in the Big Book of Smuggling.
Chapter Two: DO NOT PUT ANIMALS IN YOUR PANTS. This means no kittens, puppies, weasels, otters, marmosets, prairie dogs, and badgers. And no snakes.
Much to my surprise, a simple Google search revealed that this erstwhile snake smuggler wasn’t the only one to try the old’ Is-That-A-Snake-In-Your-Pants-Or-Are-You-Just-Happy-To-Be-Going-Through-Customs routine. A Swedish man tried it with cobras. COBRAS!
Even more to my astonishment, my Google search didn’t start and end with dumb crooks. To my horror, searching for information about animals in pants led me to a whole new category of web sites.
These weren’t sites dedicated to the joys and perversion of putting animals in your pants. I would have expected that. They were sites for retailers who sell pants for animals.
Apparently, it’s big business to create—for example—underpants for in-heat and incontinent dogs. Go to NappyPantsForDogs.com if you want to see a boxer in briefs. A boxer. In briefs. That’s funny; I don’t care who you are.
Funny. But haunting.
At Petco, they sell doggie diapers that, in their words, are “ideal for excitable urination.”
I assume they mean the dog’s.
Because if you see a Welsh corgi in a pink gingham thong, you might pee a bit, too.