Friday, November 29, 2013

Thanks a little

NOTE: This column originally posted online in En Pointe Magazine. Check it out.  

The holiday season is upon us—like a Canadian mayor barreling down the aisle toward the crack buffet. It’s a time of fallen leaves and falling snow … a time when deities get our best regards and diets get disregarded. It’s a season when families travel all over this nation to get together to share a turkey and shoot the bull. But most important, it’s a time to give thanks.
While the patriarchs and matriarchs take stock to give thanks for the bounties laid before them … and for the folks arrayed around the table … and for their collective good health … and their collected good fortunes—and so on and so on—let’s not forget, however, to pay tribute to the little things that are often taken for granted.
For example, I am thankful for screw-off tops, take-out windows, and clap-on-clap-off lamps. We ought to be downright grateful for downloadable software and upholstered furniture. Just think where we’d be without can openers or spoons. Or kitty litter. Or modern plumbing.
This year, I’m thankful for customized ringtones and car chargers. I remain eternally indebted to spell Czech software. (See what I did there?) Hey, door knobs! Much obliged.  Insulated travel coffee mug, kudos! Microwaveable bowls, take a bow.
I ax you,  "Where would we be without doorknobs?"  
Cheers to sipping whisky, sipping rum, gulping beer, and wine that won’t give me a headache. And glory to the highest for acetaminophen, while we’re at it.
Thank you for the escape key and remote control. Moreover, thanks for “off” buttons everywhere. I appreciate paying at the pump, working at home, pop-up timers, and pop-up blockers.
Thanks to the techno-genius who made it possible to watch Red Sox games on the Internet. (The suits at Major League Baseball who demand I pay so dearly for that privilege can choke on a turkey bone.)
Am I thankful for bigger things, family, and friends? More than ever. And every damn day. And by all means, let your family and friends know your appreciation every day—not just the fourth Thursday in November.
But this Thanksgiving, before everyone stuffs their face with—well—stuffing, raise a glass and shout to the heavens, “Thank you, [INSERT GOD, GODDESS, SAINT, TREE, GALACTIC FORCE, SCIENTIFIC THEORY, TALKING DOG, OR ANTHROPOMORPHIC ELEPHANT OF CHOICE] for all the flushing toilets! Let’s drink to the toilets!”
Amen to that.
Sir John Harrington may have invented the flush toilet.
But apparently, he couldn't stop licking himself
so the vet put a big lacy cone on his head.