Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Our branding will get you in the end


Let’s say you own a hot sauce company. (C’mon, say it.) Forget everything you learned about advertising and branding.

It won’t work.

After all, in the immortal words of Don Draper, “Advertising is about one thing: happiness.” And branding is supposed to reassure your customers they made the right choice, right?

But that’s not how it works with hot sauces. Hot sauce companies want to kill you. Moreover, they want you to want to be killed. ... Oh, they understand your "pain points." And they want to twist the knife in them. 

This much is self evident on the grocery shelf. Take a look at the following hot sauce labels.


How do you choose between Anal Angst and Butt Pucker?  I guess if you're more of a Hamlet type--or if you just worry your ham isn't lethal enough (with all that sodium, nitrates, and trichinosis)--you'd go with the Anal Angst. But, if you're more worried about how many angstroms your anus is, you'd pucker that bad boy with the XX-tra hot stuff.


Either way, I can guarantee you'd regret your choice. (Even more than I regret the SEO I'll garner with "anal angst" and "butt pucker" now associated with my blog and good name.)


More to the point, Professor Payne Indeass, purveyor of such fine sauces, can guarantee it, too. You'll hate this stuff. Or at least your butt will.



But will it kill you?  I'm not saying The Sauce That Killed Kenny will either. But it did, at least, kill Kenny. Maybe it's really just the "dip" that kills cartoon characters on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


To take away any doubt, top those nachos with a little I Can't Believe It's Not Gasoline. Because gasoline will not only ignite your nachos and taste horrible, it will kill you. Just ask Fabio! And really? A cartoon Fabio? Wouldn't have Freddy Krueger been a better choice?



From Freddy to that pesky World War I Jerry--feeling nostalgic for the good old days of chemical warfare? According to Wikipedia, "the skin of victims of mustard gas blistered, their eyes became very sore, and they began to vomit." Why, that's the perfect name for a hot sauce. Well done, Crazy Jerry's Mustard Gas. We'll get those doughboys yet. 





And as for those who buy the hot sauces dubbed Pain 95% and Pain 85%, I have only one thing to say to you: wuss.

Mel Gibson would go for the full 100%. Don't you want to be more like Mel Gibson? 




And now we come full circle--now a rather uncomfortable metaphor for this post and many a consumer's uncomfortable nether circles--back to the Professor and his Sphincter Shrinker. This is a nuanced beneficial difference from the aforementioned Butt Pucker. Apparently, you pucker your butts when you want them to kiss. You shrink them when you want to hug the robed wraith of Death himself.

So can other brands learn anything from this? Should Apple rebrand the iPhone the diePhone? (Me: "Siri, will I get a brain tumor? Siri: "What? I can't hear you. Hold the phone closer to your head.") Should Coke just admit it's dissolving the lining of your stomach--nay, shout it! 

Heh, why not? It should spice up things.   

No comments:

Post a Comment