A Lesson in Probe-ability ... or It's Possible You've Already Been Abducted.

According to The Roper Poll: UFOs & Extraterrestrial Life, Americans' Beliefs and Personal Experiences, published a lifetime ago in 1991, as many as 3.7 million Americans may have been abducted by aliens (the kind who cross ozone layers, not borders).

Imagine. Nearly four million of us have been taken, beamed up, tossed in UFO trunks, prodded, poked, radio-tagged, and released back into the wild. And although that’s just a shade over 1 percent of the population, that’s a lot of folks tripping the light years fantastic.

Think of it. If you’re a typical American family, you have 2.3 children, 1.7 parents, 1.7 mother and father-in laws, 0.5 step parents, 2.6 brothers and sisters and their in-law counterparts, 5.9 nieces and nephews, 8.4 grandparents and grand-in-laws, 10.9 aunts and uncles, 1.0 Uncle Miltie, 1.0 Uncle Sam, 1.0 Aunt Jemima, and 62 hangers-on. Statistically speaking, one of them has already been abducted by aliens. (More if you’re from West Virginia.)

Several people from your office, your school, and your town have had close encounters.  If statistics hold true, then it’s safe to say one U.S. Senator and a handful of Congressmen have filibustered in oxygen-enriched holding tanks in the sky. … It shouldn’t be hard to figure out which ones, either. Search the congressional records for anal probe legislation. Those for it have probably been abducted. Those against are Republicans.

You’d need two hands to count how many Major League Baseball players have been bagged and strapped on the hood of a UFO. 

These aren't the steroids you're looking for. 

Put in these terms it’s easy to see why we all need to address the alien abduction issue … why we need to prepare ourselves for abduction.  How should we act?  What should we say?  What should we wear?  Can we bring anything—maybe a nice mustard-potato salad?

It’s important to note that, if four million Americans (and as many as 50 million humans worldwide) have been abducted by now, a good 150 million more have been considered for abduction and summarily rejected. What are we—chopped liver?

Unfortunately, to the aliens who are most likely to visit Earth, we probably are.