According to The Roper Poll: UFOs & Extraterrestrial Life, Americans' Beliefs
and Personal Experiences, published a lifetime ago in 1991, as many as 3.7 million
Americans may have been abducted by aliens (the kind who cross ozone layers,
not borders).
Imagine. Nearly four million of us have
been taken, beamed up, tossed in UFO trunks, prodded, poked, radio-tagged, and
released back into the wild. And although that’s just a shade over 1 percent of
the population, that’s a lot of folks tripping the light years fantastic.
Think of it. If you’re a typical American
family, you have 2.3 children, 1.7 parents, 1.7 mother and father-in laws, 0.5
step parents, 2.6 brothers and sisters and their in-law counterparts, 5.9
nieces and nephews, 8.4 grandparents and grand-in-laws, 10.9 aunts and uncles,
1.0 Uncle Miltie, 1.0 Uncle Sam, 1.0 Aunt Jemima, and 62 hangers-on. Statistically
speaking, one of them has already been
abducted by aliens. (More if you’re from West Virginia.)
Several people from your office, your
school, and your town have had close encounters. If statistics hold true, then it’s safe to
say one U.S. Senator and a handful of Congressmen have filibustered in oxygen-enriched
holding tanks in the sky. … It shouldn’t be hard to figure out which ones,
either. Search the congressional records for anal probe legislation. Those for
it have probably been abducted. Those against are Republicans.
You’d need two hands to count how many
Major League Baseball players have been bagged and strapped on the hood of a
UFO.
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Put in these terms it’s easy to see why we
all need to address the alien abduction issue … why we need to prepare
ourselves for abduction. How should we
act? What should we say? What should we wear? Can we bring anything—maybe a nice mustard-potato
salad?
It’s important to note that, if four million
Americans (and as many as 50 million humans worldwide) have been abducted by
now, a good 150 million more have been considered for abduction and summarily
rejected. What are we—chopped liver?
Unfortunately, to the aliens who are most
likely to visit Earth, we probably are.
